The Monster Within
by The Black Rosette
Summary: Panem is at peace, the games are over and the war has been won; but for the survivors the memories of the horrors are still alive. Karri Everdeen-Mellark knows this all too well as her life has revolved entirely around her parents' pain. The annual visit of Annie and Caspian Odair has arrived but then that monster that is grief is always only one step away.
1. Traditions and Braids

Our family doesn't really have many traditions as such, but I guess you can call this one. Every year for as long as I can remember at exactly the same time (one week before Liberation Day) they come to visit. They stay until one week after Liberation Day. Even though they are just two weeks, they are the best two weeks of my year and every year I die of anticipation just waiting for the time to come again.

For most people Liberation Day and the time around it is a time to celebrate. People throw parties and see friends. It is a time of happiness. Except in my family it is a time of mourning. I don't even know the people we mourn, but it is still distressing to see how depressed my mother gets. My mother always has nightmares, and now I am used to waking up during the night to the sound of her screams and sobbing. My father is the only person who can really console her and he always does. I don't think Mum has even realised that sometimes after she is finally calm and asleep, Dad will often sit in our kitchen and cry until dawn.

I suppose in a twisted way Jaeger, my brother, and I are lucky. Our parents cry and suffer in the night when nobody is listening; unlike Annie Odair who will have breakdowns at the drop of a hat, no matter where she is. Once she had a breakdown just as she stepped off the train coming to visit us. I was much younger then and I did not understand why she was crying. I thought maybe she was happy to see us at first, but from the look on her son Caspian's face I knew Annie was not happy.

Caspian is like the big brother I always wished to have, he just gets me and I love him for that. He has inherited his father's good looks and his eyes never cease to amaze me. They are the prettiest colour I have ever seen and I miss them for the fifty weeks of the year he is not with me. I don't just miss his eyes really, I miss Caspian. When he visits we go hunting together. We have the best spot down by the river that runs through the forest joining to the lake. Caspian fishes in the waters while I shoot birds and squirrels. It is our special spot and we found when I was eleven. Caspian is ten years older than me, which I hate; I wish I could be older so I am closer to him. He always keeps just a little bit more space between us because of the ages. I'm sure that if we were closer in age that gap would be non-existent.

Occasionally Jaeger comes with us into the forest. He's a hopeless shot and a useless hunter. Just like my father, Mum would joke sometimes on one of her better days. The funny thing is that Jaeger's name means hunter but he is the least competent hunter in our family. He spends most of his time either helping Dad in the bakery or drawing in his sketchbook. When he does come with us into the forest he usually sits by the river and draws all day. He is very protective of his sketchbook and doesn't like people to see what he draws in it, but occasionally I am granted the honour of seeing his sketches and, I must say, they are beautiful. Jaeger and I are reasonably close compared to other siblings. I am the 'dominant' personality in our relationship. People tell me I have my father's charm. Jaeger tends to keep to himself mostly and is very shy around people and he is always cautious to let them get close to him.

* * *

Screaming echoes around the house. The sound is coming from my parents' room, of course. I can hear my mother sobbing through the wall. Whenever I hear Mum crying like this I wonder if it is like this for everyone who was involved in the war and the Hunger Games. Did everyone suffer like this or is Mum worse than most? I can hear everything she is sobbing clearly.

"I was screaming. They were back! They were trying to take her!" She is sobbing. Although I can't see it, I can imagine her head resting on Dad's chest; he will have her arms around her and will be smoothing the back of her head.

"It was just a dream, Katniss," my father soothes gently.

"They were trying to make her be in their game! They wanted me to mentor her; to watch her die!" more sobbing follows and then a painful silence.

"The games are over, Katniss, Karri is safe and so is Jaeger. There are no reapings; there are no games. Panem is safe now."

Silence.

"Peeta, how do you know that? What if it came back? What if it did?"

"It won't."

"You don't know that! I remember every death I saw! Do you? I remember that spear in Rue's stomach and the arrow I shot through that boy from district one. He had a family too, Peeta! And Glimmer and the girl from four, I can still see her practically falling to pieces as I grabbed the bow! And so many others killed by me, killed by careers, by Finnick, by everyone in those games!"

More painful silence; or more likely Dad is just whispering so quietly that I can't hear him.

I stare at the ceiling of my room and wait. It could be minutes, it could be hours. I can't hear Mum anymore; she has probably fallen asleep again; gone back to her nightmares. I stare at the ceiling; waiting for what I know comes next. Surely enough after just minutes I hear my parent's door creak open and close with a soft thud, followed by the low groans of the floorboards as my father moves down the corridor to the stairs. When I was younger I would creep down stairs and watch as my father began to bake as he cried, but now I don't bother, it's too painful I guess.

I swing myself up on my bed and pull my nighty over my head. I get up and grab my favourite shirt, pulling it over my head. I grab my good pants and slide into my warm, brown jacket. Gently easing open my window, I throw out my boots. They hit the ground with a soft thud. I climb gracefully over the window sill and walk carefully over a few metres so I'm in-line with a branch that is almost touching the roof. I jump and feel a rush of adrenaline as I reach for the branch. My fingers wrap tightly around the branch, it is covered in dew but I get a good grip. I don't hesitate before letting go and dropping to the ground with a thump. I wipe my hands on my pants, drying them, and head across to collect my boots; then I take off.

Even in the dark of night the forest is familiar. I know every tree, every sound. The rustle of a breeze through the leaves is as comforting to me as how another might perceive an embrace from their mother. It will be a long while before the sun comes up, but the moon is full and bright. I like running, it makes me feel free. I go out like this most nights. I guess the mood of our house after a nightmare is just too uncomfortable.

I used to only go into the forest during the day; spent my weekends exploring. It was when I was thirteen that I found my favourite place. I was lost when I found it; trying to find my way back. Funny; I was so, so lost, and in the middle of being so lost I found that tree, and I no longer felt lost at all. Far into the forest, up on a ridge, there is a tree. The tree is so high that when you're at the top it is as if you can see the whole world. I had climbed it to see the way back, but instead I had stayed for hours admiring the view. Today I reach my tree and immediately begin my ascent up its rich red bark. Once I get to the top I finally let myself rest; leaning back against the tree's bough I exhale slowly. My breath comes out as a soft, white cloud, which curls and rises up above my head. It is so cold that the air is prickling my skin, stinging my nose when I breathe in. I close my eyes and let my thoughts drift to a faraway place. The branches are so thick that I can sleep on the tree without falling. I don't feel like sleeping, but in the end my eyelids always give in to the invisible weight that is pulling them down.

I wake with a start at the sound of Mockingjays singing loudly to each other. There is one perched on the branch above my head, I smile at it and then I realise that the sun is already half way up in the sky. I curse and climb down through the branches. I drop from the last branch and hit the ground running. There is no time to be quiet, no time not to alert every creature to my presence in the forest. I sprint until I burst through the outskirts of the forest and into the meadow. I pause for a moment, clutching my sides which are aching, then, ignoring the burning in my legs and the aching from my sides, I take off again around the back of town to the victor's village. As I run up the path towards the houses, which are just in sight, I smack into Haymitch.

"Karri Everdeen-Mellark, you're going a bit fast for a gentle morning jog," he chortles. I roll my eyes but give him a warm smile at the same time. "Getting into shape for young Caspian, are we?" He gave me a wink and a wicked smile to accompany.

"Oh shove off!" I snap and then I laugh with him. "Annie and Caspian get here today."

"I know that." Haymitch says grimly, "Tell your dad I'll be over for dinner. He invited me to join."

"You know it'll just be a right pity-feast! Everyone will be in mourning."

"I know, but I liked Finnick Odair, and your aunty, so I think I will be joining." Haymitch tells me sincerely, "Remember, Karri, it isn't an easy time for your parents. They lost many friends, Katniss lost Primrose and Peeta lost his whole family. Annie Odair lost the love of her life and the father of her son."

"I know, but Dad's family didn't even die during the two weeks."

"That's not the point, Karri, be nice to them, don't cause them anymore grief," Haymitch instructs, he then gives me another wicked smile, "That means no kissing Caspian Odair. He's too old for you." Haymitch laughs and gives me another wink. Trust Haymitch to make a joke out of that! I shake my head.

"See you, Haymitch."

"See you, Sweetheart." I jog the rest of the way home and decide I may as well go through the door rather than my window. No point sneaking back in now, not at this time. I slip in through the back door and collide almost instantly with Jaeger. His eyes narrow at me.

"Where've you been?" He asks suspiciously.

"Out."

"I ought to tell Mum," he replies.

"You wouldn't."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because you heard her nightmare last night too." Jaeger's face twists into a sad, hurt look. "Sorry, Jae, that was low." He sighs.

"No, it was true. I heard the nightmare. She asked if you were up before, she wants to braid your hair before we go to meet the Odairs at the train station," Jaeger informs me, "I told her you were asleep still."

I give my brother a grateful smile, "Thanks, Jae." I head into the kitchen and Jaeger heads upstairs. Mum is sitting at the kitchen table slowly pulling apart a cheese bun and Dad is at the bench decorating a cake. I hop onto one of the stools and grab a shiny red apple from the fruit bowl. I turn it over in my hand and twist the top until it snaps off.

"Haymitch said he can come for dinner," I tell my dad, I bite into the apple. It is so cold that it hurts my teeth. Mum looks up from her dissected cheese bun.

"You've been out already?" She asks in confusion, "Jaeger said you were asleep."

"I just… I"

"There's mud all over your boots, Karri!" Mum notes. "What have I told you about going into the forest at night?"

"I'm sorry, Mum," I whisper. I looked down at my apple which has just one bite out of it in shame. The guilt builds up in my stomach and curse myself inwardly for not being a better liar. "Jaeger said you wanted to braid my hair?" I whisper softly. Mum smiles slightly at me.

"I did, if you want me to." I nod slightly. "Come up to my room then." I leave behind my barely touched apple and follow her upstairs and into her room. I sit down on the chair in front of the mirror and let Mum brush my hair and I watch as she twists it into the most beautiful braid, just like the ones she used to wear when she was my age.

"There you go," she whispers, "Beautiful." She kisses the top of my head lightly and looks back up at the mirror. I study her reflection and can't help smiling sadly, because I'm nowhere near beautiful compared to my mother, yet she will never be completely happy ever again because of the games that have scarred her life and haunt her dreams every night.

* * *

**I would love to hear what you think of the first chapter. Just so you all know, the games aren't coming back, Panem is at peace, though as obvious in this chapter many people's mind and memories are not at peace. This story is going to be about dealing with grief, emotional scars and angst. It probably won't be very uplifting either and a bit dark at times. That's my main note. Please let me know your thoughts and next chapter you will get to meet Caspian Odair.**

**The Black Rosette**


	2. Happiness

I gently run my hands over my soft, maroon dress and admire the swish of the fabric around my knees. It's an old fashion cut that falls to my knees in a modest, but flattering, manner. Mum chose it for me to wear. She is standing further back on the platform; I can see her out of the corner of my eye. Dad has his arm around her waist and she is leaning into him. I love seeing my parents like this; it reminds me just how much they love each other. Jaeger is at my side; I can tell he is just as nervous as me. I know I shouldn't be nervous but I always am. What if Caspian doesn't come? What if he decides I'm just a child who is too young to be his friend? What if he brings a girlfriend with him?

Jaeger's hand finds its way into mine and he squeezes it reassuringly, though I don't know if it is meant to be reassuring for me or for him. "It's going to be fine, Karri." He mumbles and quickly lets go of my hand; probably worried someone from school will see him and laugh at him for holding his sister's hand.

A wave of air rushes past me and I look away from Jaeger to see the train sliding into the station. It slows quickly and stops with a small jolt. I count the carriages; there are nine, nine to choose from. A cheerful female voice echoes through the station announcing the arrival of the train. Almost as soon as it stops passengers begin to spill out from every carriage. I push myself up on my toes and crane my neck to look for Caspian and Annie. People push past me as if they are in a rush to get to wherever they're going. Jaeger points down the platform at the sixth carriage. A young man with beautiful golden hair is helping a middle-aged woman with dark, flowing hair from the carriage. My heart begins to flutter and I feel the corners of my mouth twist upwards. Mum and Dad are already walking in their direction, so Jaeger and I fall into place behind them. Annie looks up from the platform and nods in our direction. Caspian's head turns and he grins at us.

"Annie! Caspian!" Dad greets them cheerfully, "How are you?" He and Annie kiss cheeks and then he moves to shake Caspian's hand. Caspian puts down the two bags he is carrying and shakes Dad's hand warmly. Mum pulls Annie into a tight hug and when she pulls away she reaches for Annie's hand which she squeezes lightly. She smiles sadly at Annie, whose expressions mirror Mum's. A sound that is something between and sob and a laugh comes out of Mum and I can just tell that they are thinking about Finnick and Primrose and everyone else they knew that died. They remind each other of those people, and really, it's a wonder they even enjoy spending time in each other's company. Mum lets go of Annie and opens her arms up to Caspian. He accepts her hug and kisses her lightly on the cheek.

"How are you?" Caspian asks her.

"How am I ever?" Mum sighs back. Annie smiles her small, sad smile at Jaeger and me. She pecks us each on the cheek in turn and then turns back to talk to Dad. Caspian gives Jaeger a hug and turns to me with a smile. He opens his arms up wide and I walk into them. He pecks forehead and I wrap my arms tightly around him.

"Hey, Karri," he greets without letting me go. I tuck my head under his chin. "How are you?" I want to tell him everything; about the nightmares, the awkwardness and the how much it hurt so hear Mum screaming in the night; how much it hurt to see dad crying silently when he thought nobody was watching. But I can't tell him this right there in the middle of the crowded station. I will have to tell him later.

So I keep my response plain and simple. I say those words that cover up a world of hurt. The words that are the universal words that scream 'help me, everything is crumbling' between the lines. I say: "I'm fine." Caspian frowns at me, because he knows that I never hold out on him, but, thankfully, he doesn't question me. His fingers tug lightly on the end of my braid.

"Your hair is getting so long," he smiles absentmindedly, "I remember when you were fourteen and you cut it all off yourself. It was a right mess." I remember that year clearly. I was trying to make myself look really trendy to impress Caspian, but instead it was all uneven and the opposite of trendy. It looked just like how it was; like it had been cut by a kid with scissors. Caspian had been bent over double laughing at me for about five minutes when he first saw it and then poked fun about it for the next two weeks. I still shudder at the thought of him finding out that I cut it for him, as far as he knows I did it because some girl at school had said my hair looked babyish.

Caspian lets go of me and grabs his bag off the platform. Dad insists on carrying Annie's bag and as we walk off the platform and begin the short walk through town, we fall into a familiar pattern. Mum and Annie walk along together slowly at the back exchanging small murmurs, and Dad and Jaeger walk at the front of our little group. Caspian and I walk along in the middle, his arm around my shoulders, our legs bumping into each other as we walk. Happiness. This is what happiness is to me.

* * *

I sit cross-legged on the Jaeger's bed and watch as Caspian pulls things from his bag. Jaeger has been kicked onto the floor for the two weeks and Caspian gets his bed. Annie is staying in our spare room. I guess some people might call our spare room a guest room, but apart from Annie and Caspian; we have no guests. Caspian pulls a book from the bag and throws it onto the bedside table; and flops down onto the bed beside me. His sea green eyes stare up at me. I wonder, to myself of course, if he can see up my nose.

"You're eighteen next month," he exclaims. I nod and he shakes his head in disbelief.

"You're twenty-eight in a few months," I remind. He nods and bites the corner of his lip.

"How'd we get to be so old?" He whispers to me. I don't have an answer for this, because honestly, I don't know either. Caspian continues, "I remember when you were a baby. We came up just after you were born, it was one of the only times we ever came to 12 other than these two weeks. Your nose was rosy pink and you had this soft dark hair all over your head. I remember telling Mum that and she just nodded and told me my hair was gold," Caspian's voice drops to a whisper, "Like his."

Silence.

"What do you think they were all like?" Caspian asks sadly, but curiously.

'They' is a difficult word. You can only really use it when you know that the person you are speaking to will understand who 'they' is. But when my family says 'they', when Haymitch says it, when Annie or Caspian say it; you know exactly who 'they' is. Primrose and Finnick. We use 'they' as a substitute for their names because we know that if we were to say their name, it would be too painful. This is something I've understood since I was little, the unwritten rule of my life.

"I don't know."

Caspian sighs. "You said you were 'fine' earlier."

"I did."

"You're not?" I look away from Caspian. "Karri, you're not."

"Oh, who is ever fine in this family?" I snap harshly.

"Nightmares?" I nod. "They never end do they?" Caspian whispers, but I don't think he is talking to me, I think he is talking to himself.

Silence.

Caspian breaks the silence, but his voice is so low, so quiet… so sad, that I barely even hear it. "Mum is dreaming about her games again, about the boy from 4 having his head chopped off as she watched, and about that dam bursting and the tidal wave that swept through the arena. She screams and she screams, but she doesn't wake up and I can't wake her up either. She's trapped in her dreams; in her nightmares; her memories."

"Mum dreams about me being reaped. She dreams that I'm stuck in an arena with twenty-three other tributes who all want me dead." I tell Caspian, he winces.

"They aren't coming back though." He reminds me, "And you're eighteen soon. They'd have to come back this year and your name would be in there once. You'd never get picked."

"What about Primrose? She got picked at her very first reaping. That's why Mum ended up in the games in the first place, because she volunteered for someone who died anyway." I snap the last part and can't help but feel guilt towards my mother. She volunteered to take her sister's place out of love, to keep her alive; how was she to know Primrose would die in the end anyway?

"You know the second games our parents, well minus Mum, were in? The Third Quarter Quell?" I nod. "Well Mum was reaped, but an old woman named Mags volunteered to take her place. She knew she would die, she knew she wouldn't make it out of that arena alive, but she saved Mum from another games."

"But why?"

"Mags was Finnick's mentor during his games. She loved him like he was her family and Finnick loved her like so too. She knew Finnick loved Mum and she knew Mum wasn't quite in her right-mind, so she volunteered." I stare blankly at Caspian, waiting for him to finish. "Love, Karri, she did it for love. Just like your Mum did for Primrose."

"I didn't say she didn't."

"No, you didn't, but you implied she shouldn't have; and maybe she shouldn't have, but Primrose was her sister and she loved her more than anything. Love is a strange thing, Karr; it makes people do ludicrous things." Caspian lets out a gentle sigh. "Don't tell me you wouldn't do anything for the people you love; your mum, your dad, Jaeger."

_You_

"Does that make any sense? I kind of babbled on." Caspian gave me a sheepish smile and I nod weakly. He stares into my eyes and I stare back. His mouth moves and then he's jumping off the bed and heading towards the door. I'm going to go find your dad," he pauses, "I might steal a cupcake; I miss them all year when I'm gone." He steps back towards me and pats my shoulder awkwardly. And then he's gone.

"Karri?" Mum calls from downstairs. "Can you lay the table for dinner please?"

I roll over and sigh.

* * *

Business as usual, just with a few additions, is how it goes in our house. I grab a handful of cutlery from the kitchen draw and head outside where Jaeger is setting up the outdoor table. Mum wants to eat outside because she says we should appreciate the good weather. I drop the cutlery on one placemat and begin to lay the rest.

"Karri! Jaeger!" Looking up I see Haymitch stumbling across the grass between our houses.

"If you're drunk, Mum will shit on you." I tell him sweetly. Jaeger snorts.

"If she heard you speak like that she'd shit on _you_," Haymitch shoots back.

Caspian appears from the backdoor with a bowel a plate of food. "Who's shitting on who?" He frowns. Haymitch and I shake our heads at him. He places the plate on the place I have already set and heads back inside for more plates, presumably. Annie, Mum and Dad all carry out plates too and Mum scolds me for not finishing the table. She and Annie sit beside each other and Dad and Haymitch adopt each end of the table. Jaeger sits beside around the corner from Dad and across from Annie. Caspian's in the middle and me around the corner from Haymitch.

"So, how are we all?" Haymitch asks.

"Like we always are?" Annie suggests.

Haymitch lifts his glass to her. "Got it in one."

"Who gave him a drink?" Dad jokes. We all chortle and lift our glasses into the middle of the table.

"Cheers," Echoes around the table from our mouths.

I look around the table, and just like this morning when we were walking from the train station I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. Mum and Annie exchange small smiles and speak quietly to themselves. Dad and Caspian are laughing and talking about decorating cupcakes, as you do. Haymitch and Jaeger are have some silly argument about nothing in particular that is making us all laugh, and I know this is my family. If only this could last forever.

But we all know that nothing can last forever.

* * *

**No there is not going to be another Hunger Games. Just a lot of sadness. The HG and the war seriously messed a lot of people up, just like real life wars do. That's what this story is about. I considered an M rating for the grief/pain/angst themes that are going to be present in this story, but I decided to stay with T. I think the story will end up being somewhere between, so if I feel chapter could be upsetting, I'll put a warning at the beginning.**

**Also, I don't own the Hunger Games. I keep forgeting to put a disclaimer on my stories.**

**Review please?**

**The Black Rosette**


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